Meeeeehh, idk. I don't want to undermine you or your girlfriend but most of these changes seem completely irrelevant to me. As in, they sound super-duper smart and editor-y but they change nothing really. "Their mother" could imply siblings, not a gender pronoun. The cliche comment seems wayyy unnecessary and subjective. The only part where the comment actually offered mild improvement was with the man in the garage - I agree that active voice produces like 3% more effect. But the truth is I would read the book and none of these things would bother me